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Cyclothymia - how it makes me feel

Last updated Friday, 1st Oct 2010

Cyclothymia is a period of mood cycles and is related to bipolar disorder. It ranges from mild elation to mild depression – also emotional instability and explosive temperament in which you can become irritable very easily over relatively minor situations.

This disorder also ranges from cheerful and talkative back to depressive withdrawal and uncommunicative times – in which to do anything is a slog. You can also feel cut off and stuck in your own world. The manic side to this is known as hypomanic and comprises racing thoughts, talking and moving around very quickly – the feeling of wanting to do everything at the same time with a constant feeling of rush, rush, rush – which I could never seem to diffuse.

I would also experience this euphoric feeling when I went to London. I would go down Brick Lane for instance, imagining being a well-known musician believing in what you are – then, for no reason, this mood can just suddenly plummet – even within hours – and I would get times when I wouldn’t smile or converse with anyone.

Even though I’m now on anti-depressants, I still have an odd, sometimes quiet and moody personality, but I have felt less fiery in myself from how I was before. I would sleep in the afternoon at the hotel in London owing to lack of sleep the night before – where the excitement of the time in London wouldn’t switch off. I would sit in front of the window looking out over London or at the cranes or the helicopter taking off from the London hospital at Whitechapel. And I would smoke my pipe tobacco or my roll-up looking out or reading my paper then go to bed.

A.C.